Showtime;

*WARNING; I am not good with words, or expressing myself and I tend to jump around with topics. You may find this confusing.*

Everything happens for a reason.
Something I believe to be true, however lately, everything has been happening because of my doings, not fate.

Birdman and I had been dating for just over one year, we were happy and to be honest I thought that I was finally with the man of my dreams. However when we finished high school and college came into the picture unfortunately our relationship took a turn for the worst. We both made mistakes, and with lack of communication we fell apart. Mutually we decided on taking a break for a while to find out if we really were meant for each other, and really for me to sort through some things. But my life has just been a rollarcoaster ever since, and my heart can't take much more, but then I guess that it is all my fault anyways.

I started hanging out with some old friends that I hadn't seen in two years. They are great people and are a blast to just hangout with. Four best friends. I regret loosing contact with them but it is in the past. Anyways to make a long, very long story (which I will most likely talk about randomly another time) short things have gotten complicated. Cowboy Luke and Blackmage introduced me to Muscles.

Muscles and I rarely ever talk or hangout. But when we do, its nothing but good times. Ya you could say I have a "thing" for him, and ya Muscles says he has a "thing" for me but I really dont know. I love hanging out with him. He is so sweet when we actually do talk. Ya we have kissed. Muscles attends College and he also works when he can, he is a life gaurd. :) haha.

Blackmage and I talk all the time. Phone calls until 6am, text messages all day everyday etc. We hangout when we have a spare day, since I usually work in the morning and he works at night. He is so sweet to me, and calls me beautiful and sexy everyday, he thinks (for some stupid reason) that I am one of the most amazing people he has met. And to be honest, I think the same thing about him. He is amazing, and I consider him a very good friend. He likes me however, but right now I see him as a friend. And that is hurting him because I am "into" his best friend Muscles, and he feels second best.

Clifford and I have also been hanging out almost everyday, whether it be early hangouts starting at 8am or late night hangouts ending at 4am. Im not sure if he likes me, sometimes I think he does, but other times im just not sure. We are really good friends, and just like Blackmage nothing has happened because we are just good friends.

Even though Birdman and I aren't technically together I still don't want to have sex with anyone, nor let things get out of hand with anyone right now. And if Birdman has questions about anything to do with me and other guys, I usually tell him even though I really don't have to. I still care about him, and as much as he probably thinks im doing all these things with all these guys, im not. I hate hearing about how Birdman tells his friends that he is so unhappy, and that "there is no reason to get up in the morning" etc. It hurts me everytime because I am doing that to him. I am hurting someone that I still love and care for alot. Its my fault.

Im not looking to date anyone else, or be with anyone right now. I just want to make that known, just because I am "into" someone doesn't mean I want to date them. Im emotionally screwed up right now and I just can't be with anyone.

Every choice I make I hurt someone. I can't win, and I don't want to hurt anyone.

Sarcastica is one of my best friends and I love her to death but I feel so rotten sometimes when I hangout with her, only because she just went through a rough break up with her stupid ex a couple months ago, and so now she is down on herself. I don't like hearing that "oh your so pretty, you have all these guys who want you, no one thinks im pretty" it hurts. I dont ask for "all" these guys to "want me". I think she is really pretty, I do. Her confidence is so low though. :( She has been there for me, and helped me through really rough things with Birdman and work and everything. I wish I could help her out of this funk she is in.

Clifford and Blackmage keep telling me that things will fall into place eventually. And I believe them, I just wish fate would let me know whats going on, so I can make the right choices and move on with my life.