valentine shit day;

Today is Valentine's Day and I hate it. I hate the stupid idea that couples flaunt themselves around and its all lovey dovey. I hate it.

Every year I sit either at home, or work and I am alone. Always. Even when I would have a boyfriend, nothing special would ever happen. I would always hear, oh my boyfriend bought me flowers; ya? well my boyfriend bought me a ring! Well screw you all. Im so bitter. I have a boyfriend, and I still dont like V-day. Why can't people show love and affection everyday? Stupid hallmark.

This year Cory was actually home for Valentines Day, and ya we hungout. It was alright, we really didn't hangout together for long, and it was quite boring. But I love spending time with him, most times. hehe. I didn't want anything for Valentine's Day (unless it was an egagement ring, hehe) but he got me something anyways. And yes I gave in, and got him something as well. His gift to me was really sweet, and I loved it. I wish I could write that well. He wrote me a very sweet poem, it brought tears to my eyes, just not infront of him (that shows weakness!) and he got me MINI EGGSS!!! This past weekend when I went to LIND to visit him, we took many pictures and a couple of them were really good, and he asked me to get one developed and put it in a frame for him, and thats just what I did. Its lame, but something he wanted. I hope.

I work tomorrow 11:30am-12am; I am not looking forward to that shift. Ugh. But then I am off for the weekend! I have no plans as of right now, however I know something will come up. It always does. Next week I work every day, Monday to Friday, I am excited to see my paycheck! Maybe I will be able to afford my new cell phone, since I need one. However I am looking to buy Birdman a digital camera soon, maybe I will get it for him for Easter.

My hair right now is like, a red-ish, orange-ish color on top with black on the bottom and it looks alright, however my roots are starting to show and that does not look alright to me. So today I went out and bought Clairol, Herbal Essences, Color Me Vibrant dye and I am going to re-dye my hair black. Completely this Tuesday :) . The shade I bought is called Black Stilettos. :) I like it already. The only thing is, black takes a very long time to get out of people's hair. So if I end up not liking it, its too bad until it grows out. Oh well. :S

you'll miss me when im gone;

*this post might be hard to follow, i appologize now; good luck reading.*

I had the best weekend ever! I worked Friday until 7:30 but got off work around 7pm, I text my older sister (she was at my house waiting for me to get off work, and it was our dad's birthday) to come get me from work, and off to LIND for the weekend. The plan was, I would stay at my sisters Friday to Saturday, then go to Birdman's college Saturday until Monday, then go back to my sisters Monday until Tuesday morning, then on her way to work I would come home.

When we got to my sisters house, holy was it the partay scene. Her boyfriend and his brother had people over, they were drinking and playing poker. I was invited to play poker, but I really didnt have any money or really know how to play poker. So no thanks. My sister and I just sat and watched the first disc of season 1 of Chris Angel, holy he is hot and SO talented. :) After that we went to bed. And the next morning after lunch she dropped me off at Birdman's college.

Over the three days I was there, Birdman and I really didn't do much. I took alot of pictures, and met some of his friends (who are all really nice). We baked peanut butter cookies and burnt them, haha. Other then that, we are kind of going out now. I am just so unsure though. Not because of him, but because of me. I will always think I am the wrong person for him. I am a huge flirt, and I am friends with alot of guys who flirt back with me. In order for us to fully date, and him not get so upset with me flirting, I have to stop hanging out with my close guy friends, Clifford and Blackmage. :(

So I finally came home yesterday morning. Thankfully no one was home, so I watched tv for a while, then came upstairs and talked to Sarcastica for a bit, and it just so happened that her dad was going to be in town, and was able to pick me up. I left a note saying I was at Sarcastica's house, and that I had my cell phone, I also text my younger sister and told her. It was fun like always, we played some guitar hero (I LOVE THAT GAME), and watched Beauty and the Beast. I didn't stay long, but I went home around 8pm.

Now here is where it got fun; NOT. I got home and went upstairs to my room (its where I live). I was hungry a little, so I went downstairs and asked if I could make some french fries, my dad said no because he "just bought the fries in the freezer, blah blah blah" so I ate a cheese sandwhich and went back upstairs. 5 minutes later my mom comes bookin' it up the stairs and started yelling at me, "Did you use my deep fryer..." and I answered no because I really hadn't used the deep fryer at all, its new and I dont know how to. She continuously blames me for turning it on. And yells one last time "Dont ever touch my deep fryer again!" She slamed my door shut, and I yelled back, "I never touched it!" and she came back in and said "excuse me? Yes you did, no one else touched it, you were the only one home! Im getting sick and tired of your attitude, you come and go whenever you please, when I come home from work tomorrow this room better be spotless or I will clean it and everything on the floor is going in the garbage!" A few minutes later, my dad yells for me to come downstairs. And I get a lecture from him. Honestly, if they ask me questions and yell at me, and expect me to answer dont tell me to shut up. I never can defend myself. I hate them.

Im not home one day and they are already blaming me for something I never did, and yelling at me for stupid shit. Thats fine, I cleaned my room like my mom wanted me to, and ya she said she would be home around 1pm she's not. And ya I packed all my clothes, im not staying here, I dont want to. I hate living here. So now I am just waiting until my mom comes home, and my mom and dad bitch at me some more, because most likely my room isnt clean enough for them. Then I can tell them to shove it, and I am leaving.

birthday with nape?

Soo; sorry I havent posted anything (sarcastica; since your the only one who reads my blog, ahah).

My birthday weekend was awesome with some exceptions, but on a whole it was amazing. Thursday was my birthday (Jan, 31/08). Awesome day. I hungout with Birdman all day, we played Guitar Hero, we learned how to play with the controllers! Then we went to the mall and did some shopping, then went and hungout some more until about 8pm. Then I went out with some friends from work, Franker, Blondie and Clifford to a club. I danced up a storm, and loved it. Friday (Feb, 1/08) was my birthday party. We had it at a motel, and it was fun. We drank, played sing star and guitar hero plus drinking games. However I do NOT remember alot from that night. I drank alot though, and got Birdman hooked on drinking liquid cocaine. I ended up throwing up most of the night. But at every party with my friends there is always drama. I hate drama. Anyways, on Saturday (Feb, 2/08) Franker had a party at her house and once again I got wasted with people from work. Good times. I love being nineteen!

So yesterday I went out and did something spontanious(?) (sorry I know I cannot spell). I woke up and like usual I am very depressed lately about everything going on in my stupid life so I woke up and wanted to DO something. So, I went out with Smurfette and Chuckles and got my nape pierced. For those who dont know what a nape piercing is, basically I got the back of my neck pierced. :)

Ya not alot of people are happy about it but you know what I dont care. Its my body and I like it so what does it matter? People told me, your a pretty girl but with that, you just ruined yourself. What? Are you kidding me? I also got told that I did it for attention? Uh, NO. I dont need the attention thank you. I have enough going on in my life right now. Anyways I like it so who cares? Just as long as my the parents dont find out, im golden. :)

uhm; meme?

What the heck is a meme? Honestly I have no idea, but apparently I was er...tagged or something and it looks pretty simple so...here goes:

Sarcastica tagged me in the Seven Random and/or Weird Facts meme. This meme works by you linking to the person who tagged you (which I already did) then posting the rules:

Share seven random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog, tag 7 random
[and or weird] people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

So Seven Random/Weird Facts about myself?

1) I love to dance around with my Timbaland CD blaring, wearing next to nothing, infront of the mirror when no one is home. haha.

2) Im in love with Guitar Hero; so addicted. Honestly Guitar Hero is my drug.

3) I still sleep with childhood things such as; my teddy bear named Bobby and my "little pillow". :)

4) I can pee standing up; and since I am a girl, that takes talent.

5) I wish I knew how to play bass guitar and be in a punk girls band, even though I dont listen to punk music.

6) I have had farting wars with Birdman too many times to count, and win sometimes! haha. Girls can be gross too! Its only fair.

7) I still like to play with barbies sometimes. :O

[uhm, I just started over with blogging, so I dont know seven people, sorry.]

*********

So today Chuckles and myself went around town to see where my party on Friday was going to be held, and I have mad a decision. My 19th Birthday will be held at the HOJO. The room was so nice, and there is an indoor pool (however its closed for renovations), and its something I can afford. However thank gosh Birdman is going to help me out, I was off work for two weeks because I was sick with mono (ghay!) and so I didn't get a paycheck and I have a few bills that I need to pay, as well as I am going out clubbing and I need my booze! So Birdman said he could pay for the room. He is amazing. (K)

I am trying to stay busy this week. For some reason I booked off Wednesday to Sunday and I only work tomorrow from 6am-11am, then have to go back for another Crew Trainer interveiw. So after work I am going to hangout with Chuckles again and play some Guitar Hero, again, then play some Nintendo Wii. God I love Nintendo Wii! I so do. :)

I also decided that for my younger sisters 17th Birthday on Wednesday (yes a day before mine) I am going to take her out to get her belly button peirced. When I was 16 I went to get mine done with my friends because our parents won't let us getting peircings. So she is getting it done either February 14th or the 28th (both days are paydays for me, so it just depends on the paychecks). I am going to be going with Chuckles who is getting her nose re-peirced, Sarcastica who is getting her ears peirced, Birdman who might be getting his nipple done, and myself? I am most likely getting the back of my neck peirced. I don't know why, it's just really intriging to me, I think it looks cool and I like it. Its going to be painfully fun for everyone.

My sister today said that my parents, older sister and her boyfriend, and my grandma each chipped in money, and they have spent $250 on us each for our birthdays. Wow. I wonder what they would get for that much? I hope its gift cards for the mall, or LCBO. haha! That would help out so much for my birthday. I am really curious. I might end up getting it tomorrow sicne my older sister is coming down tomorrow but that only depends on if her present came today. We got her Chris Angel Seasons. Like all of the seasons that are out right now, I think there are four or something? Anyways she really wanted that for Christmas, but the only way to get them is online.

While Chuckles and I were out today, we drove past the cemetary where Brad was buried. I really wanted to go see him. I miss him, and I still haven't come to terms yet. I don't think I will for a while. I just can't believe him of all people are gone so early. He had so much potential and spirit. I also haven't brought myself to listen to Shadow of the Day by Linkin Park since his funeral. If it comes on the radio, or tv I just changed the station. Pathetic? Ya maybe, but I just flash back to his wake and his face...and...wow. Waterworks? Ya. There is this commercial that plays on the channels my family watches about a hospital, and the little girl in the commercial has Brad's eyes, and everytime I watch it I can't help but to remember. We weren't close, so I don't know why I am taking it this hard. I wouldn't want to know how much family, or close friends are feeling; I read his facebook almost everyday and comments people write are just so hard to read. I miss him.

final word

I hate working early morning shifts, 5am early morning shifts to be exact. I mean I love that I get off work before everyone, but waking up before everyone sucks so much! I opened with Franker today which was fun and laid back, not to mention it was a Sunday which means it's so slow! Anyways we talked about boys and how they are nothing but trouble sometimes. then we talked about my birthday. She asked me what I was doing on my actually birthday, and I said nothing other then I was planning a dinner with my friends and that I had no idea other then that. She said she would get rid of her shift and take me out to a bar/club. I was like right on!

So Thursday is dinner at 5pm with some friends, and then clubbing with Franker (and possibly Clifford) around 8pm-ish. I am going to get so wasted! And just dance the night away, im so PUMPED!

I hope I can have a party Friday for my friends. Since I can't have it at my house I have to find somewhere else to go. Which means hotel/motel party, which means I have to put out the money, something of which I don't have because I was off work for 2 weeks with mono, and I have bills to pay. *stupid Visa and cell phones*. There are about 25-ish people invited but most likely half of them won't show up. And I have to find out where to have it if I get the hotel/motel, close to home, or further away? Close to home, but there is nothing good here. Oh well...I don't know. Chuckles and I are going out tomorrow to go looking at prices etc.

Then Saturday I am going out with, Franker, Clifford, Hoy, The Boss and some other people bar hopping and clubbing. Im so PUMPED! (Did I say that already? Holy!) This is more exciting then Christmas for me!

on another note;

My 19th birthday is in only 5 days and I am extremely pumped. Friends from work are taking me out on Saturday, Feb.2nd and we are going to party and get drunk and have so many fun times. :) Im so excited!

I hope I can have a party for my friends though. However I think things would be weird, well with Birdman, Muscles, and Blackmage all going to be there, plus Clifford may show up. I just don't want drama at my party again this year. It's my birthday and I don't need drama on my special day however I know that there will be drama, only because it follows me. Unlucky me.

So Birdman and I hungout today, it was weird but then again I find hanging out with him different. I always feel like he is mad at me or he isn't having fun anymore with me. I don't know. Anyways we went to the OC and I bought two new CD's; Brittney Spears/Blackout and Timbaland presents SHOCK VALUE. Basically I love them both. They are really good CD's and I love them. Then after that, we basically went back to my house and just sat around. Since Birdman had made plans with Pikachu to see the new movie Cloverfield, I made plans with Muscles, since I wasn't going bowling anymore. It was weird. Muscles came to pick me up, and Birdman wasn't too happy I could tell, im not stupid. I had fun hanging out with both of them. Muscles and I just went to his house, and watched Shark Tale (it was on TV). Good times.

Showtime;

*WARNING; I am not good with words, or expressing myself and I tend to jump around with topics. You may find this confusing.*

Everything happens for a reason.
Something I believe to be true, however lately, everything has been happening because of my doings, not fate.

Birdman and I had been dating for just over one year, we were happy and to be honest I thought that I was finally with the man of my dreams. However when we finished high school and college came into the picture unfortunately our relationship took a turn for the worst. We both made mistakes, and with lack of communication we fell apart. Mutually we decided on taking a break for a while to find out if we really were meant for each other, and really for me to sort through some things. But my life has just been a rollarcoaster ever since, and my heart can't take much more, but then I guess that it is all my fault anyways.

I started hanging out with some old friends that I hadn't seen in two years. They are great people and are a blast to just hangout with. Four best friends. I regret loosing contact with them but it is in the past. Anyways to make a long, very long story (which I will most likely talk about randomly another time) short things have gotten complicated. Cowboy Luke and Blackmage introduced me to Muscles.

Muscles and I rarely ever talk or hangout. But when we do, its nothing but good times. Ya you could say I have a "thing" for him, and ya Muscles says he has a "thing" for me but I really dont know. I love hanging out with him. He is so sweet when we actually do talk. Ya we have kissed. Muscles attends College and he also works when he can, he is a life gaurd. :) haha.

Blackmage and I talk all the time. Phone calls until 6am, text messages all day everyday etc. We hangout when we have a spare day, since I usually work in the morning and he works at night. He is so sweet to me, and calls me beautiful and sexy everyday, he thinks (for some stupid reason) that I am one of the most amazing people he has met. And to be honest, I think the same thing about him. He is amazing, and I consider him a very good friend. He likes me however, but right now I see him as a friend. And that is hurting him because I am "into" his best friend Muscles, and he feels second best.

Clifford and I have also been hanging out almost everyday, whether it be early hangouts starting at 8am or late night hangouts ending at 4am. Im not sure if he likes me, sometimes I think he does, but other times im just not sure. We are really good friends, and just like Blackmage nothing has happened because we are just good friends.

Even though Birdman and I aren't technically together I still don't want to have sex with anyone, nor let things get out of hand with anyone right now. And if Birdman has questions about anything to do with me and other guys, I usually tell him even though I really don't have to. I still care about him, and as much as he probably thinks im doing all these things with all these guys, im not. I hate hearing about how Birdman tells his friends that he is so unhappy, and that "there is no reason to get up in the morning" etc. It hurts me everytime because I am doing that to him. I am hurting someone that I still love and care for alot. Its my fault.

Im not looking to date anyone else, or be with anyone right now. I just want to make that known, just because I am "into" someone doesn't mean I want to date them. Im emotionally screwed up right now and I just can't be with anyone.

Every choice I make I hurt someone. I can't win, and I don't want to hurt anyone.

Sarcastica is one of my best friends and I love her to death but I feel so rotten sometimes when I hangout with her, only because she just went through a rough break up with her stupid ex a couple months ago, and so now she is down on herself. I don't like hearing that "oh your so pretty, you have all these guys who want you, no one thinks im pretty" it hurts. I dont ask for "all" these guys to "want me". I think she is really pretty, I do. Her confidence is so low though. :( She has been there for me, and helped me through really rough things with Birdman and work and everything. I wish I could help her out of this funk she is in.

Clifford and Blackmage keep telling me that things will fall into place eventually. And I believe them, I just wish fate would let me know whats going on, so I can make the right choices and move on with my life.